He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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