Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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