I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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