Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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