rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
