There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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