I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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