No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize