I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
