I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize