so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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