i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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