they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
