he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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