Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
