i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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