I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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