We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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