We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize