her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
