**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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