Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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