I'm gonna have a badass scar
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm both gender and math confused
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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