It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
