i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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