I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize