Little spoons don't ask big questions
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
