All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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