he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
