i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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