John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
