Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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