Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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