he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
