Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
