I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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