Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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