After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He passed out mid-signature
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
