Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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