at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
