Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
