i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
