i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
