Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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