im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
