Your dad touched me again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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