I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
