If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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