so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
