That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize