I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
