I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
