Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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