I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Houston, we have a blender
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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