Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize