On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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