I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
