I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
