mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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